monday . april . fifteen . two thousand two last night - 8ish. paul and i are alone in our apartment. we listen to music. i read, paul is on the computer. i rise and head for the potty. paul steps into my path, looks in my eyes and says: "it must be difficult being married to a man like me. a man for whom danger is a necessity..." and then he goes back to his seat. i fucking LOVE this guy. ---- wednesday . april . three . two thousand two this is the last fucking straw, man. i can't believe this happened to me a third goddamned time. two weeks ago, while out to dinner with a bunch of friends, i noticed a small piece of what i thought was mostly burnt crouton in my otherwise beautiful salad. i almost ate it because, i like croutons and mostly burnt really means nothing to me. but i hesitated for just long enough to discover the little nugget's true identity. i flipped it over with my fork to see the crouton transform into a lady bug, deceased. i'm not used to sending things back at restaurants, and i generally don't like to complain to waitstaff about anything. i was really so nervous while talking to the waitress that night that i only learned what i said to her later, from my friends. apparently i said something like: "excuse me. (insert gracious, loving smile here) resting here in my salad i found this little lady bug. (gesture toward red and black speckled thing in salad.) um...i don't think i want it, really." and then i got some fries instead. moving ahead to last week, when paul made me some top ramen, because only the top ramen will do. i slurped half of it up, yummy style and then discovered a mealy worm floating in the broth. very upsetting. and to end the freakin' nightmare trilogy, yesterday i got myself a nice coffee drink from the place near my work and half way through, found a FINGER NAIL SLIVER in my MOUTH. it was really bad too, because i had it in my mouth and before spitting it out, i knew exactly what it was. the shape and texture was undeniable. note: it had purple nail polish on it. so, you can see the badness, right? i mean, three times in three weeks, with progressively more disturbing foreign object discoveries. the lady bug was not so bad. i mean, lady bugs are pretty, i guess and i didn't feel like my whole salad was contaminated. i didn't want to eat it anymore, but it really wasn't the end of the world. the mealy worm was worse, because in soup, you start to imagine that it was alive before the water boiled and then it's vital essence was then brewed right into the broth and the noodles and this is definitely worse. also, the cuteness factor of the mealy worm is really, really low. and then, we have the purple fingernail sliver, which is so freaking repulsive i don't really need to elaborate. the thing that's really got me worried now is the progression of the whole thing. like, what is coming next i wonder? predictions: - a human toe in my tea - a rat tail in my french fries - the head of Thomas Kinkade: Painter of Light™ in my chili, which would have it's upside, i guess...seeing as he'd have to be dead for that to happen and all. --- tuesday . april . two . two thousand two having recently decided that i have a ridiculous video game system fetish, and realizing i am not only bored with the games i have but also bored of seeing this enormous pile of equipment laying in dangerous tangles all over the living room, i made a trade. i traded in my: nintendo entertainment system super nintendo entertainment system sega game system and all 70 kagillion related games for a nintendo gameboy advance. i am happy. also, a little horrified. the first thing i thought to myself when i got it home was "cool!! now i can play nintendo and watch tv at the same time!!!" which, technically isn't possible, because we don't have any channels but snow. i do watch movies and tapes of tv shows and so there is a legitimate danger of over-stimulation, but i'm trying hard to resist it...well, not hard. anyway, i bring this up because yesterday, i was playing a game. i have a little sinus infection right now, so i'm doing a lot of mouth breathing. so, now you picture me sitting on my couch, playing gameboy with my mouth open, right? 'kay, this is quite bad enough, except that when you can't breath through your nose, and you're sort of leaning your head down and focusing on the little ducky on the screen and trying to save his life and your mouth is open, what happens is ... okay, what i'm saying is that yesterday afternoon, for one brief horrifying moment, you could have found me playing gameboy wide-eyed, slack-jawed and DROOLING ON MYSELF. when i got up after this upsetting incident i did wonder if perhaps my knuckles were going to drag on the ground. SCREW YOU, MARIO!!!!