sunday . april . twenty five . ninety nine while sitting near the door of the store, saying good-bye to a customer, i noticed a flash, like the flash from a camera come from the upstairs window of the house across the street. it was weird because there was the flash and then i look up and see a hole in the blinds snap shut, like someone was peeking out to take a picture. then i noticed that there was a two inch gap at the bottom of the blinds, so i stared for a while with a scolding look on my face. i kind of narrowed my eyes and shook my head like “tsk, tsk” and i mouthed the words “i saw that.” then i felt stupid, or got bored so i went back to checking the late list. when i looked up again a few minutes later, the blinds were completely closed...no more gap. so of course i'm thinking it’s spies. i'm not sure who for, though. spies for the owners of the store, spies for the police. when i contemplate that the police are spying on me it makes me want to steal things. so i ate some store candy and i didn't pay for it. -- monday . april . twenty six . ninety nine i had an appointment at the doctor this morning before work. afterwards while i was waiting by the entrance for paul to fetch the car an older gentleman started chatting me up. at first he was just staring at me, up and down. so i made eye contact, smiled brilliantly and said hello. he said hi and asked me "what the hell is a young girl like you doing in a place like this?" i said "the young girl has rheumatoid arthritis." he rolled his eyes as if to say "bummer" and i smiled, waiting for the other shoe to drop. sure enough, he waited a beat and said "you're a little heavy, aren't you?" fuck. so i said, nicely, "why no. i like me this way." we chatted a bit more. i managed to say that it's possible to be fat and healthy and all that jazz. paul pulled up to the curb so i shook his hand and left. of course, in the car i realize that i should have asked him how his prostate is. i'm pretty happy with myself in that i managed not to blow up in the his face. i guess i feel like i'm some kind of ambassador of fat or something and in order not to stir up an inter-body-size incident i need to be smiley and set a good fat chick example. the thing that kills me is where in the hell do these people think they get the right to ask a total stranger about their health? but fuck it, because i looked damned cute today. -- wednesday . april . twenty eight . ninety nine i was channel surfing this afternoon, or bottom feeding, as paul calls it, and i found fraggle rock which i watched for the first time in a long while. i wasn't as enchanted with it as i wanted to be. i was mostly bored but there was this one line that has really gotten under my skin. one of the fraggles was given a precious good luck charm by what seems to be an old jewish compost heap, which he keeps close for courage in times of strife. it turned out to be a bottle cap, but whenever the fraggle had to summon some guts in a tough situation, he would hold it tight, look sky ward and say “no deposit, no return” and i'm thinking there's some universal truth in there somewhere. -- thursday . april . twenty nine . ninety nine we were going to check out the space needle today but it didn't happen. there's so much construction going on down there that it was impossible to get close enough to drop me off within comfortable walking distance and we don't have the bread for valet right now. so we went exploring in fremont a bit. i felt like everyone was staring at me. i have been extremely self conscious today. i keep going over my feelings in my mind, trying to sort out from which part of my psychosis this particular feeling of insecurity is coming from but i think its just ‘cause i wore new pants today. so how fucked up do you have to be to have a new pair of pants throw your emotional balance off for an entire afternoon?   i finally finished working on this novelty book that i've been working on for a few months and i sent it to my folks. my dad has a friend that has a friend...etc. so now i'm stuck waiting for feedback which really sucks. i think its good and i think its marketable, which unfortunately is probably more important. but the waiting. oy! the waiting! i alternate from thinking that nothing will come of it to fantasizing about doing the radio circuit. i'd be really good on the radio...and it wouldn't matter what the hell kind of pants i wear.