monday . may . twenty nine . two thousand i've been working/packing/working so much in the last week that, out of exhaustion and general mindlessness, i called one of my customers a 'motherfucker' last night. it really isn't as bad as it sounds. honest. as i was locking the front door at closing time, said motherfucker appeared in the door way. i told him that we were closed. he asked the question they all ask when faced with a customer service person who has dared to be so bold as to attempt to go home to be with their loved ones. the question is: if i know exactly what i want, can i come in? a variation is: what if i promise to be quick? my least favorite and the one guaranteed not to get you into the store is: but my clock says it's only blah blah o'clock. (followed swiftly by a door locking in front of them.) so the m.f. asked: if i know what i want, can i come in? i began to say what i usually say if the person is nice and i haven't shut the computers down yet: "yes, but run like the wind, *add nickname here*." * now, throughout my day, i use a wide variety of slang and pet names for the customers. they think i'm sassy and they enjoy my antics. some of the names i call people are: "brother-man", "sister-friend", "clyde", "harvey", "charlie", "chickie baby" and "my good man". it's just the way i am. example: a few weeks ago, one of my regular customers handed me a tape and said "i can't remember where i got this from. if you tell me, i'll put it back." this kindness is extremely unusual, and i appreciated it. i took it and said "i'll put it back for you, you rat bastard" and we had a hearty chuckle. he returned several days later with a friend. as he came to the counter to check out his tape, he looked at me expectantly. i didn't remember the above exchange, so i just got down to business. he turned to his friend and said "usually, she calls me a name." and turned to me again, waiting. me: (finally catching on) you're waiting for me to call you a rat bastard, aren't you? rat bastard: yes!! ever since, he looks at me with big eyes until i call him a rat bastard and then he goes home happy. so can't you see how last night, when the m.f. said "if i know exactly what i want, can i come in?" it would be easy for me to try to say "run like the wind, brother-man" and end up saying: run like the wind, mother-fucker!! he was sort of stunned, but he did, in fact, run like the wind. i apologized to him and pleaded exhaustion. i was very lucky in that he was really not bothered by it at all. i gave him the movie for free as a further peace offering, and he went along his merry way. and now, i must sleep. --- wednesday . may . twenty four . two thousand my friend and writing partner demian has alerted me to what he refers to as "an online depository of knowledge." it's known as themestream.com. this is a place where writers can not only post their work, but get paid actual pennies each time their article is visited by new readers. so, it is at themestream that i'll be uploading works that don't fit here. stories, essays, etc. why not visit there today? ---> oh my, yes. i want to see melysa's themestream articles. <--- --- tuesday . may . twenty three . two thousand yesterday at work a well groomed woman in her mid 50's entered the store. she stood at the new release wall for a few minutes then turned to me. customer: do you have any copies of 'being john malkovich' in stock? me: yes we do. it's on the new release wall under 'b' for 'being'. customer: the new release wall is alphabetized?! i never noticed that. she rented the film and left. i looked at her account and noticed that she has been a customer since 1993. -- sunday . may . fourteen . two thousand on our way to one of our favorite restaurants is an apartment atop a store front. i fantasize about that place every time paul and i drive by. the day after we got back from maryland we went to lunch and there was a for rent sign out. we saw the place the next day, and yesterday the landlord told us it was ours. i'm excited. this place is just small enough that we will be forced to purge all of the crap that has been plaguing us the last few years and it meets almost every one of our impossible wishes: — it's above a shop — it's on a street with coffee, restaurants, etc. — it has hardwood floors. and — it has a GARDEN!! it's just very long grass right now. the landlord was going to fill it in with rocks or something, so we get it! paul has been on a p-patch list for months, but now we'll have a plot in our own back yard. where we live now is the pit stop, this new place is home. but we have to move by the 1st of june. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! --- saturday . may . six . two thousand i am pleased to introduce you to what my inner child looks like: -- friday . may . five . two thousand upon returning to work, i had a nice chat with the charmer. seems as though he has found himself a spanky new job, and it got me thinking. i got home and in some kind of trance i began clicking around the web for possible new employment for me. i applied for a couple of things, one of which was through a general employment agency. this morning, i woke up to an answering machine message from said agency. i phoned them back, asking for the agency goddess. she answered the phone with "i looooove your web site". how cool is that? i sat there completely in awe as she praised me in the way you wish your parents did. she quoted bits of my web site to me and told me we were kindred spirits. she seemed like she actually cared about me. "what is it that you want to do?" she asked, and "we need to get you into a better work situation." i might have offered her a proposal of marriage, but paul was in the room, and he gets jealous. i hope she finds me some work and i will try to make her proud. -- thursday . may . four . two thousand paul and i went to maryland to visit his family last week. (trip highlight: i was bitten by a large duck. and i liked it.) we were there for seven (7) days and there are many stories to tell. however, i won't be telling them here. the Maryland Visit-o-Ramma stories fall under the "if you want to hear about it, you'll have to buy me a cup of coffee" category. i will tell you about yesterday's plane trip home, though. we flew on our now least favorite airline, who's name is southwest and is to be avoided like your aunt's pink marshmallow ambrosia salad the day after thanksgiving. we were told by southwest (Your Antichrist In the Sky™) that our return flight was from baltimore to seattle via las vegas with a 40 minute lay over, giving us just enough time to lose money without trading each other to tourists for chips. but when we got to the airport, Those Smiling Bastards™ informed us that the actual flight plan was baltimore to birmingham to houston to las vegas to seattle. i repeat: baltimore, MARYLAND to birmingham, ALABAMA to houston, TEXAS changing planes in las vegas, NEVADA to home sweet home seattle. for those of you keeping score at home, you are correct if you counted four (4) take offs and four (4) landings. on one trip. in one day. anyone who comes up with an adjective strong enough to convey my emotions about this wins a prize.